Let’s talk…

You’ve asked & I have listened. Here is a space where you are able to share your stories, thoughts, & experiences with your breakups. Occasionally I will pose a question & would love to hear your responses. Let’s talk…

Please note that views expressed are based purely on opinion & experience. Don’t hesitate to seek professional counsel if the conversation does not answer all of your questions…
If this is an emergency please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255.
May God bless & comfort you in this moment. 

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The Heartbreak why’s.

You stare at his number in your phone, trying to muster up the strength to delete it.

This is the saddest day yet.

“Why can’t I just get over it?” You ask yourself.

Because of that pain you feel when something really great happens, & you can’t call him to tell him about it.

Because of that time you rolled over in the middle of he night, & remembered why he wasn’t there.

Because no relationship since him has felt the same

Because you’ve wondered if you can love again

Because you’ve wondered if anyone can love you again

Because you’re tired

Because you’re tired of being angry

Because it hurts. so. bad.

Because you can’t remember life without him

Because he was your joy

Because you really really loved him

Because you expected to grow old with him

Because you’re pissed you’re single again

Because your friends don’t understand

Because your friends are married

Because you wanted him to be the Father of your children

Because you didn’t want your kids to grow up in a broken home

Because you miss the way he smells

Because you only felt safe with him

Because you trusted him

But you will be okay
Because you will be okay
Because you are okay.

There is life after him.
There is Love after him.
Because it’s time to move on.

The 21 Day Ex-Boyfriend Cleanse…because breaking up is hard to do.

The Love Bubble

Sinking into you like a spell so quick. 

The Love Bubble aka The Honeymoon Phase aka when you’re lost all up in his sauce.

Have you ever been lost in the love bubble before? It’s that moment in time where it feels like you’re living in a Disney fairy-tale. He could do no wrong. You are head over heels. The world is non existent as long as you have each other. When it literally, physically hurts to be apart. Yea, remember that feeling?

The love bubble is a fantastic place to be…for a while. See it is a place you visit, hang out for some time, buy a souvenir perhaps, but please don’t move in and set up shop in love bubble country. Do you know anyone who’s ever gotten stuck there? Have you ever been blinded by the promises of forever that you were stuck there yourself?

What happens on love bubble island is that we expect the feelings to stay forever, and sometimes they do! Now for the rest of the 99% of us, at some point you realize that you are both flawed human beings. He says something that doesn’t agree with your morals. Maybe his response to something you do makes you view him an a new light. You go through things that cause you to second guess whether or not you could really spend forever with him. Whatever the case, this is when the relationship touches down and becomes real. This is when you get the chance to crawl through the trenches together. Either you will make it to the other side still holding hands, or you will come out alone with a lesson learned.

If you know that you are currently a love bubble resident, please seek advice from a trusted confidant before making any life changing decisions with your man. People that love you (outside of your bubble) are well able to see if what you are walking into is best for you in the long run. Now if you disagree, then by all means do what your heart tells you, but please try your best not to damage any friendships in the process. Remember that they ultimately just want what is best for you…unless you have that one friend who is always a hater. If someone came to mind when you read that, maybe you need to have a friendship reevaluation conversation asap…

Anywhoo! There’s nothing wrong with hanging out on in the love bubble mansion, just make sure you’re getting great advice, and that you’re taking your time in making important decisions.

If you just crawled out of the trenches alone, hold on to your faith and sanity with everything in you. You took a chance and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You have learned something valuable that you can apply to make yourself the best you possible. Most importantly, I believe that when the time is right for you,

you can and you will love again.

What say you friends? Have you ever visited the beaches of love bubble island? Talk to me.

Word to the Wise:

Wisdom is something I pray for daily. Sometimes it is in the general form, like the words pictured above, and sometimes it is regarding what to do in a specific situation. I do believe that we are naturally wise about certain inherent dangers…ie. do not sleep outside in 30 degree weather. We can also pick up wisdom nuggets by watching the choices of others. Relationship wisdom is a whole different ballgame. A lot of the wisdom you receive from relationships comes by trial and error. You are always able to get advice from trusted people, but the results will vary based on the person that you are with.

Ex: You get into a crazy heated argument with your boyfriend and you lash out and punch him.

We can all agree that it is not wise to punch your boyfriend in the face, right? Wisdom, in this situation, is necessary before the reaction. You are angered by his words or actions: reasonable. Wisdom will help you understand why you should not punch this man in the face. Please. He will most likely be angered and will either restrain you, leave, or God forbid, hit you back. Wisdom will help you figure out what to do and what to say in tough situations. The goal is to have the wisdom necessary to get you out of those tough situations before getting into them.

In addition, domestic violence in NEVER okay. If you are in an abusive relationship or you are an abuser, please seek help immediately. 1-800-799-7233. http://www.thehotline.org/)

Another way you may relate is…

Ex: “I always pick the wrong men!”

Speak the words in the picture above. The goal here is to gain the wisdom to see what is underneath your choices. What is it about the man that you are attracted to in the first place? Where do things go wrong? Do you contribute to the demise of the relationship and if so, how?

Wisdom is the tool to help you hear words for what they are. To know what to do before regretting it. To smell the signs from the first date. To have peace in your decisions. All of it…and the best part is, you can never have too much 🙂

Which areas will you ask for more wisdom? I’d love to hear about it…

Expectations vs. Reality

I’m a daydreamer. I’ll admit it. I fantasize about anything from my Oscar speech, down to a pair of shoes I saw once on the internet. Sometimes I drum up expectations so high that when the thing actually happens and it falls slightly short of what I dreamed, I am disappointed. Let’s talk about how we do that in relationships. Shoot I don’t even need to tell you because I’m sure you’re already with me. We have this fantasy right? The man, the future, the house…whatever it is for you personally. The picture above is from one of my all time favorite movies 500 Days of Summer. If you haven’t seen it, please do yourself a favor asap. (Although if you’re going through a breakup currently then brace yourself.) In the scene depicted, the main character had an expectation of what was going to take place that night. From the minute he walked in, things didn’t necessarily go according to plan. I’ll save the spoilers 😉 For you, it could be something as simple as what your crush is going to say when he texts you. We create this idea of what would be ideal. So how do you deal with it when it doesn’t go according to your plan?

Pause and Breathe. There is nothing wrong with having expectations. Take this time between breaths to consider what is happening in real time around you and in your head.

It’s totally fine to feel disappointed, however please don’t allow that to affect what could be a favorable future. I always try to ask myself a series of questions:

How should I respond in this moment?

Were my expectations realistic? (Considering the history of your relationship, or his personal history)

Is it the appropriate time to discuss my expectations?

What is most important to remember is that there is only now, no going backward. What’s happening in front of you is your reality. Please during this time, watch your words and actions carefully. You’ll save yourself so much trouble by allowing your anger to subside before making any important decisions. You’ve learned an important lesson and it can impact your future positively if you allow it to.

From now on, let’s all try to have realistic expectations. Sounds simple enough right? I like to think of it as the best possible scenario, in the current circumstance. I will always be an optimist. I will always try my best to find the silver lining in the cloud, but it takes work. If you know that your expectations are usually negative, perhaps you are attracting negative outcomes into your life with your thoughts. Try something different starting today. Believe it. We will all be better off if we consider every disappointment a blessing in the form of a lesson learned.

When was the last time you realized that your expectations didn’t necessarily add up to your reality? Talk to me!

Do you want him more than he wants you?

NO ONE wants to admit it. You don’t even really have to say it aloud. You know it, and so does he. You want him and would do anything for him. You’ve committed 1000% of yourself to him but don’t always get that back in return. If there is ever conversation of your relationship ending, you are willing to make compromises which otherwise sound insane to keep it alive. Oh honey I know because I’ve been there.

So why do we stay in relationships when our feelings are not fully reciprocated? 

I get it, I get it. He’s all over you in private. He whispers all the right things in your ear, so why aren’t things adding up? It could be a simple picture that you want to put up on social media or invite him to an event where your friends will be present, but there is always an excuse. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but maybe he’s just not that into you. No I’m not saying that he doesn’t love you because he very well may. That is besides the point. When you get to a place where you are questioning someone’s outward affection (emotional or physical) toward you, then the answer may very well be right in front of your face. Love is love is love and if you’ve ever had a man that was truly in love with you, then you know what that kind of love looks like…in private or in public. Some of us are more private than others I know. Before meeting my Husband I was never a big fan of PDA (public display of affection.) It wasn’t until after marriage that I realized the issue was much deeper than I thought. I needed to feel safe with someone, knowing that we weren’t going to end, before I was able to comfortably be affectionate in public.

This however, is different…and I think you know it. What I’m afraid for you is that he is taking you for granted. I fear that his instinctual need to pursue and conquer has been replaced with your serve at will disposition. Is it too soon? Maybe your relationship hasn’t reached the point where he is certain that you are the one he wants to be all boo’d up with in the streets. That’s okay too, but know the difference.

If you can’t help but to talk about your man every 28.2 seconds, and you want to have your hands all over him when you’re in public but you know he is resistant…do me a favor and just put a little more thought into the reason why.

Have you ever felt this way? Talk to me.

For those following along with The 21 Day Ex-Boyfriend Cleanse Book, I would LOVE to talk to you about the reasons behind your breakup…

Loneliness after the breakup.

You’ve walked into a new year proclaiming that this one will be different! You’ve set new goals. Started practicing new habits. You are determined to make this the best year yet…without him. It all sounds great when you say it aloud, so what is that dark heavy place you keep finding yourself traveling into?

I can assure you that what you’ve been feeling is completely normal. A pretty smile could be covering brokenness the same way a pretty red apple could be hiding a worm inside. Let’s give each other grace today. Ooo I’m going to make that my next IG post. Anyway, back to the conversation. Loneliness happens. And when it does, it sucks. So how do we get out of that icky place and back to normalcy?

Step 1. Admit what you’re feeling.

…either to yourself or someone else. Acknowledging the head space that you’re in is the first step to getting through it. That means no more pretending to be okay. No more walking around like an empty shell. You can admit that you don’t have it all together. It’s okay if it still hurts.  Tell someone. Even if it’s just your journal, especially those days when you feel like your journal is the only one listening.

Step 2. Seek change.

I’ll be the first person to tell you that it is okay to feel whatever you’re feeling now, but I will never encourage you to stay there forever. At some point you have to make yourself change something. It could even be the smallest thing, like getting up earlier and taking a walk outside. Get some fresh air. Replace your sad playlist with uplifting music. Call a friend and force yourself to get out of the house. Write. Sing. Pray. Dance. ANYTHING. No, you’re not going to want to do it but I also know you’re not going to want to be this way forever.

Step 3. Keep going.

Whatever you decided to change in step 2, keep doing it. If it’s not working, find something else to do that you can tolerate. This could be as simple as reading a book instead of laying on the couch and drowning in movies and food. Don’t give up. The change comes slowly and you probably won’t even notice it creeping up on you.

It is totally possible for you to remove yourself from this hole you’ve fallen into. You just have to be willing to do it. All those changes you wanted to make and goals you want to achieve are still there. This will not last forever I promise you that much. Let me leave you with this…nothing changes, if nothing changes.

How are you feeling about this? I’d love to know if you are able to relate. Talk to me.

When you don’t want to let go, but he already has…

Have you ever been there? You see a post from an ex on social media and he’s just livin’ la freaking vida loca. Maybe a friend tells you she saw him out with a new woman. Perhaps you’re still together but you know he’s already emotionally checked out. You can feel it but you don’t want to admit it to yourself, let alone anyone else.

He’s moved on and you know it.

You’re not exactly sure when it happened but you can feel the miles of distance between you. Or, you can remember the exact moment where something changed. One of you said something that you couldn’t take back.

“Let go of those who are already gone.”

Powerful, concise, and incredibly painful. If we know the statement is true then why do we hold on for so long?

Let’s make this the year where we decide to release people from our emotional captivity. There are 7.125 BILLION people on the earth and we get so damn stuck on 1. I know that there was something special about them but I promise you that you can find a connection with someone else…when you really decide you want to. If you know that he has already moved on, emotionally or physically, it’s time to really let him go. This also applies to friendships and unfortunately, sometimes family members. If you can feel deep down in your core that someone has walked away from you then it’s time. It all starts with the decision to do it, then I promise your heart will follow. So starting today, whenever the thoughts or pain start to creep back in, say it in your head, out loud, in the mirror, to your mama, or to your dog…”I release you.” Say it, believe it, and watch your life change.

What I want to know from you, is how do you relate to this? Has there ever been a time where you’ve had to release someone after they’d already moved on? Talk to me.

For additional help with moving on, please refer to The 21 Day Ex-Boyfriend Cleanse Book available on Amazon & Kindle. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0692430466

If you’re following along in the book, how do you relate to day 1?

New Year. New Month. New Day. New LIFE! Welcome to #januaryfresh…

It is 2016! You made it here and you’re still in your right mind…or maybe you’re barely holding on. Whatever the case, you’ve found the right place. We are here to discuss starting over anew. We’re going to dissect all the things love is & all the things it isn’t.

Welcome to #januaryfresh.

This is a month long exercise to regain your emotional health. You are welcome to join us everyday no matter what stage of love you are in. I know that some of you are fresh out of a relationship & just need that extra encouragement to move on. Maybe you’ve been trying to let go for a long time & have never really been able to shake that one person from your system. Perhaps you are in a relationship now & deep down in your core you know that you need to let them go. You are welcome here. Let’s talk about it. Here’s how this works:

*Each day I will be introducing a new topic. I want to hear from you. Don’t have me thinking I’m the only person that’s been through these things guys! I welcome your comments & your thoughts…no judgement allowed.

*We will be discussing themes addressed in my book ‘The 21 Day Ex-Boyfriend Cleanse’ so it is helpful to follow along. Order your copy here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0692430466 (partner w/ a friend & receive a discounted price…contact me for info 😉

Please feel free to tune in whether or not you are doing the Book Cleanse in addition. You can join the conversation anytime during the month of January.

SO…January 1st is here. Let’s begin!

To kick off, tell me anything in the world about yourself & what stage of love you are in…

a. happily loving self

b. seeking love

c. currently in a loving relationship

d. Eff you I don’t want to talk about it.

Hello my name is Aba. I’ve been through a few breakups (amicable, horrible, great, cheated on, and more horrible.) After my last relationship, I was committed to landing in love & spending my life with someone. I met my beau soon after & we have been married for nearly 3 yrs. (c) I am doing this because I know how terrible it feels to have to let love go & I feel drawn to support the heartbroken. I am pretty much an open book so ask me whatever you feel. (If for some reason it’s in the .007 percent of things I do not want to discuss I will absolutely be honest about why.) So there’s a smidge about me. The most important thing that I want to tell you, if you get nothing else from this, is I believe that you can & you will love again.

Tomorrow we’ll dig into the meaty stuff. Today, tell me about you…

“Hiberdating”

​​Guilty! 

​When I saw this posted online I had a good long chuckle. Having just been in this place, I am all too familiar with this process. My question is, why does it have a negative connotation? Now I get that in the description the word “ignore” is used. Obviously it never feels good when you are the one being ignored. However, why does it seem like it’s so hard for people to celebrate the love of their friends? Be honest: is there a smidge of jealousy involved here? Or is the person harming them somehow? That’s another story. If not then I know that when my friends find a new love I absolutely encourage their time of hiding! More power to you. I’m happy that you’ve found someone you’d like to spend all your time with. We all know that this hibernation isn’t going to last forever…or at least we hope it doesn’t. So when you’re ready to hang out, or when you guys are arguing, or when you just get plain ol’ sick of being all up in each others faces, come find me & I’ll be ready to hang again. Until then, “hiberdate” away 😉 

Have you been a “hiberdater” or do you have a friend that is? I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts below…